10th category of Bancroft's abusers

In the USA, a woman is raped every 90 seconds

93% of juvenile sex assults survivors know their attackers

90% of rape survivors on college campuses know their attacker

Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

He believes that he is not in control of his actions due to his illness/addictions.

He believes that you cannot challenge him about his behaviour as he is too ill and you are not being fair to him.

He believes he is not abusive, it’s the drug/illness that causes the problems. (IT DOESN’T.)

You can’t change me or challenge me or leave me as it will make me worse. It will bring my illness on again or I will have to start taking the drugs again.

Some comments he might make:

“I can’t remember, I was too drunk.”

“Go on have a shot (drug) and enjoy it with me.”

“I only hit you, because I was pissed.”

“If you leave me, I’ll be ill again.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 2nd ex, blamed alcohol for abusing me, yet would not admit he was an alcoholic. It was brought home to me that alcohol was being used as an excuse when he assaulted me whilst sober. It's easier to blame someone or something else than to admit your own failings. No one is perfect, least of all me.

9th type of Bancroft's abusers

In US, 37% of reported domestic violent incidents results in arrest, fewer then ½ are followed by convictions.

5,000 women die in the name of honour killing.

Every 2 minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

Up to 47% of women report that their first sexual encounter was forced.

9th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Terrorist

This is what the abusive man thinks!

With the Terrorist you have no rights; you cannot argue with him; you cannot leave him; he is in charge of your life. He is very controlling and watches you're every move. He will make vague threats that leave you petrified as to what will happen.

All women are spawn from the devil and need a man like him to keep the women under control by using terror/fear.

The Terrorist will also use the threat of death/suicide so that you will not leave him or have a mind of your own.

He will use the children as a weapon against you, threatening to hurt/kill them; take them from you; get them to abuse you too.

He is very controlling and likes to cause pain and fear in his victim. If you do leave him, he will stalk/follow you/threaten.

Common statements he might make:

“You have only got six months, six months.”


“You are evil; your father was the devil.”


“If you leave, I will kill myself.’


“If you leave, I will kill the kids.”


”I can kill you in a blink of an eye.”

My 2nd ex wasn't as bad as this, but I had the 'I will commit suicide'. One particular night he was walking along a canal and rang me to say he was going to jump in and drown himself if I didn't take him back. I called his bluff, he was also well lubricated with alcohol. I however was petrified that he would carry out his threat, I rang his father to discuss the situation and the father dealt with it on my behalf. He had no intention of jumping in the canal and admitted it to his father. His father needless to say gave him a real ear bending!

1st and 2nd Types of Bancroft's Abusers

Nearly 2.2 million people called a domestic violence crisis hotline in 2004 in Oregon US.

In Bangladesh 50% of all murders are of women by their partners.

In Kenya 1 woman a week is killed by a male partner.

1st and 2nd of the 10 Categories of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Demand Man

These are what the abusive man thinks!

At first glance this seems quite obvious, the man who demands everything from his partner. The dinner has to be on the table when he returns from home, if it isn’t, all hell is let lose. The other look at this type of man, is where he actually blames you (the woman) for everything that goes wrong. He drops a mug which shatters. He immediately roars at you: “What you do that for? You’re a stupid ****”. Sound familiar? He cuts himself shaving, guess what, it’s your fault you made him do it, even though you were on the way taking the kids to school.

You cannot ask him to do anything, not even to empty the trash can. If by a miracle he chooses to do something you have to be grateful for ever after.

Do you think you can criticise him? No way, he is way above that. He is perfect.

The final look is when you are always being reminded that you are very lucky – the luckiest person on earth that you have him. After all he is the most loving and caring man anyone could ever wish for. Really? No chance, the best thing that could happen is for you to leave. No man who abuses their partner really loves them. They may say they do, but how can it be true?

Common statements he might make:

 “All you care about is yourself!”

“Twenty years ago, I cleaned the sink for you, when you were sick.”

“My misses is so ungrateful for everything I do for her, she’s really selfish.”

“You’re needy and controlling...”

“All you want is my money.”

 

Mr Right

Ahh, the perfect specimen of man! Mr Right can never be faulted on anything. He is supposedly very intelligent and you have to look up to him and praise him at every turn. He also apparently knows what is best for you.

As a woman you are worthless, your opinions do not count, so why should he listen to you?

When you disagree with Mr Right, you are in the wrong because you are stupid and thick.

As long as you agree with me, you’re life will that much better. Disagree and what will happen? Beating, verbal abuse....

When you don’t agree with the man, you are also being very disrespectful towards me.

I have to keep putting you down, so that you will learn that I am right.

Some comments Mr Right will make:

“I am always right, I know everything!”


“Don’t back answer me, that’s showing disrespect to me.”


“You are always coming up with stupid ideas.”

Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. You might find that the abuser actually has traits from both Mr Right and Demand Man. This is not unusual. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My next blog will look at some more categories that L Bancroft has recognised, so these two above are not the only two – there are 8 more to go!

Why Does He Do That?

‘Why Does He Do That?’

A book written by Lundy Bancroft, a fantastic look at abusers from the view of a counsellor in USA. Having worked as a counsellor, evaluator and investigator for over twenty years. Looking at over 2,000 cases (at least), Lundy is in a prime position to write this fantastic book. During his work he discovered that the abusers fell into different “classes”, some overlapping. He listens to both sides of each story and comes to his own conclusions. Being a male writer I was a little suspect at how honest the work would be, but I need not have to worry. Lundy has a no nonsense approach and says it as he sees it. Often the abuser is brought down with a big bang and he makes no apologies for it.

He believes that abusers do know what they are doing and provides a number of examples to prove his point.

He also believes that a man can not love a woman and subject her to abuse (and vice versa). Again examples are given to prove the point.

Further he believes that an abuser can change, with assistance and their own pure determination. It surprised me that Lundy says that an abuser needs at least 2 years of counselling!! Even then it might not work; it is totally dependent on the abuser. Shockingly in the UK, there is a programme for abusers run by the Probation Service (called IDAP) and this only lasts for 10 weeks. What chance have we got in the UK?

The categories that Lundy has discovered are:

- The Demand Man

- Mr Right
- The Water Torturer
- The Drill Sergeant
- Mr Sensitive
- The Player
- Rambo
- The Victim
- The Terrorist
- The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

Please note though:

‘Mental illness doesn’t cause abusiveness any more than alcohol does.’ P.39 Lundy Bancroft

Mental illness is only used by abusers as an excuse, so don’t get into the same trap I did!

I will look closer at each category to help you understand them more easily and help you recognise qualities that are not desirable.