The future?

For a number of years I have drifted along not knowing exactly what I wanted to do in my life. It was only in my mid-30’s I discovered my ability and interest in writing; and in my late 30’s I achieved my BA Hons degree through the Open University. I can safely say that studying has saved my sanity. I am still learning new things and attend a workshop for writing, not too far from where I live. This has helped my confidence grow and has been a fantastic way to meet fellow writers and generally having fun. I have made a number of friends too, especially the course tutor – Sue. Its great being able to sit uninterrupted and write something very awe inspiring; or something that is dire tripe – it gets your thought processes working. That is what the whole thing is about.

Back to my point though, I was fortunate to have a coffee with Sue, it lasted over two hours; I think we successfully put the world to rights. During this time Sue came up with the idea of me running my own writing classes/groups for abused women; to help them to come to terms in their own way – with guidance. So I could combine my two passions – writing and domestic abuse together. This is only in its embryo stages, but it has given me something to work towards. Writing has certainly helped me along the way, and if there is an opportunity to help others – I am always there to try and help.

Nothing or Everything?

80% of all rapes occur in the home

9 in 10 rape survivors are female

Most undetected rapists, are repeat rapists who on average commit 6 rapes each

99% of women survivors were raped by a male

85% of men survivors were raped by a male

The courts made an order against my 2nd ex, that he could not approach me in any form for 2 years – no communication – nothing! If he breached it, jail awaited him; something he did not want to revisit. However it was inevitable; living in the same area, that we would ‘see’ each other in the street. Like I have previously stated I tried to avoid places, even shopping in town. I was petrified of seeing him – pure and simple. The day I did literally bump into him was a Saturday afternoon. He just stared at me and carried on walking – no smile, no speech – nothing! I had imagined everything under the sun; that he would say or do in a negative manner and here it was – nothing! I continued on my way; trembling from head to toe, feeling sick. Nothing had happened; I didn’t feel relief, I was in shock, but the next time I saw him it was easier. It has got to such a point now that if I see him, I am anxious and alert – just in case.

Of course I am one of the lucky ones in this instant; there are others where further abuse has arisen – swearing; shouting; physical assault; or even worse the abuser has tried to wheedle their way into your lives.

You as an abused person will probably know what to expect; but be ready for the unexpected too. Try and stay strong; don’t let their control over you stop you living your life, step by step the control will cease and suddenly you will be as free as a bird.

New Year's Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions; I have read many comments about making these but for some perverse reason I do not make them. Through my healing process I have learnt not to set myself up for failure. If I wish to change something I don’t wait until a future day, I start there and then. I will try it out and if it works – fine, but if it doesn’t – “so what?” Does it mean the world will end? No. So why worry about it? I might try and assess why it didn’t work and see if there is another avenue to try, but as soon as I start to get upset or feel guilty, the thought process stops. Life is too short.


Some people make ‘To-Do Lists’, again be careful not to set yourself up for failure! There are only so many hours in the day to be able to do a set amount of jobs, so why make a list of 60 hours for a set 24 hours? If you don’t finish the list, it’s not the end of the world again! Look at the items you have completed and reward yourself for those: a simple cup of tea, a bath etc.

My memory was affected quite badly for a while after I left the abuse, so lists were very important, but I used them as an aide-memoir. I would give myself a star for each item and count the chart rather than look at the items I hadn’t done. My kids thought it was quite funny until I did similar charts for them - quite useful for homework, club activities etc. My favourite treat was to take a book and laze in the bath, I was lucky to have a mom who would look after the kids whilst I had my treat.

10th category of Bancroft's abusers

In the USA, a woman is raped every 90 seconds

93% of juvenile sex assults survivors know their attackers

90% of rape survivors on college campuses know their attacker

Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

He believes that he is not in control of his actions due to his illness/addictions.

He believes that you cannot challenge him about his behaviour as he is too ill and you are not being fair to him.

He believes he is not abusive, it’s the drug/illness that causes the problems. (IT DOESN’T.)

You can’t change me or challenge me or leave me as it will make me worse. It will bring my illness on again or I will have to start taking the drugs again.

Some comments he might make:

“I can’t remember, I was too drunk.”

“Go on have a shot (drug) and enjoy it with me.”

“I only hit you, because I was pissed.”

“If you leave me, I’ll be ill again.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 2nd ex, blamed alcohol for abusing me, yet would not admit he was an alcoholic. It was brought home to me that alcohol was being used as an excuse when he assaulted me whilst sober. It's easier to blame someone or something else than to admit your own failings. No one is perfect, least of all me.

6th type of abuser by Bancroft

1 in 5 women report being sexually abused as children.

Every 2minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

10,000 women are sexually assaulted every week in the UK.

65% of sexual assaults are unreported.

6th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Player


The good looker, the sexy one!
The only reason for women is to have sex with them, especially for the Player. Otherwise there wouldn’t be any women. He is so sexy no woman would want another man.

The Player also defies logic with this one – "women who want sex are loose/whores, if a woman doesn’t want sex they are too uptight/frigid". You are in a no win situation.

They believe that women find them alluring, and they all want sex with him. "Why should I refuse a woman who is offering sex on a plate?" I can’t help it, especially when the woman seduces me.

If the partner wants something from the abuser ie sex, cuddle, the abuser will refuse, they will only give these things when they want to. He controls the sexual desires for both you and them.

Abusers also blame their partner for having affairs, if you gave me what I wanted I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere.

Some comments he might make:

“Hi, I’m the man of your dreams.”

“I will have sex when I want, not when you do.”

“You are a sick woman, wanting sex all the time.”

“It’s not my fault women find me irresistible.”

“If they throw it at me, why not accept it?”

“I can’t help it/I don’t know why I did it.”

“It’s your fault I go elsewhere for sex.”

Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.


Both my ex's had affairs - note plural, not singular. Both said they couldn't help it. My 2nd ex even denied having the affairs or even trying to meet other women. It is hurtful and you do wonder what is wrong with you, but please believe me it is not your fault. You are a beautiful person and no one deserves to be treated like this.

My 2nd ex even controlled the sex in the bedroom, I would try to arouse him but I never succeeded unless he wanted it too.

5th type of Bancroft

On average a woman will be assaulted 35 times before reporting it to police.

30% of domestic violence starts or escalates during pregnancy.

San Antonio police responds to ~ 3,000 calls for domestic violence each month.

Over 42% of women are abused in Turkey.

5th  Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

Mr Sensitive!

This is what the abusive man thinks!

Mr Sensitive does not like real macho men, because of this he can not under any circumstances be abusive himself. He is usually softly spoken, gentle and supportive –when it suits him! He likes to talk about himself.

He will use a lot of psychological jargon, to throw you and others off the fact that he is abusing you.

He will psychologically analyse your problems, your emotions, childhood traumas and enter inside your mind – whether you want him to or not. You have no choice; he is in control, not you.

The abuser’s feelings are more important than anything else, even your feelings. Everything revolves around his feelings. If your feelings are hurt, it doesn’t mean anything and it will be ignored.

Mr Sensitive will also make you believe, like him, that all women should be grateful to him for being so sensitive unlike those macho men.

Common statements he might make:

“You’ve hurt my feelings.”


“You don’t care for me.”


“We need to work out our problems.”


“Why are you upset? I am upset and you don’t think anything about it.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on.  If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex was a little like this, a very emotional man and would cry because someone was nasty to him. He would like to look at our problems, but would make it sound like it was my fault. He loved to play mind games and manipulate the situation to suit himself. If things seemed to be going against him, he would then put the water works on and play the innocent victim.

4th type of abuser by Lundy Bancroft

The 4th type of Bancroft's abusers.


The Drill Sergeant

Yep, think of the traditional army drill sergeant, the one who keeps you under control otherwise you will end up doing things wrong. Even going in the bath you need his permission. He will also be very critical of your clothing.

He knows how everything should be done and you cannot question him. He knows how the toilet has to be cleaned; he knows how to cook the meat.

You are not allowed to have anyone else in your life, no friends, no family. He is all you need. This is a tactical approach to isolate the abused. He will even listen into phone calls to make sure his demands are adhered too.

He will watch you even in your sleep so that you cannot develop your self-esteem, independence or knowledge about his abusive behaviour.

The strange aspect of this person is when he says that he loves you more than anything, yet you disgust him! (I still cannot get my head round this statement from a personal point of view.)

Some comments he might make:

“You’re skirt is too short.”

“You can’t go out with your friends.”

“You have to be back home at 10 o’clock or else.”

“They pretend to be your friends but they are just using you.”

“I don’t like Amy, she is a slag and will lead you astray.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex at the end of our relationship wouldn't let me in to the bathroom without him coming in to see what I was doing. If I used the phone, he would stop what he was doing and listen to the conversation too.

My 2nd ex, tried to isolate me, by stopping friendships and trying to stop communication with my mother.

The 3rd type of Bancroft's abusers.

Egypt; 35% of women are beaten by husbands.

42% of women in Fiji get beaten by husbands/partners when pregnant.

In Zambia 5 women a week are murdered by a male partner or family member.

Domestic Violence accounts for ¼ of all violent crime in the UK.

The 3rd type of Bancroft's abusers.
(3rd out of 10, Categories of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft)

The Water Torturer – (more psychological abuse)

These are what the abusive man thinks!


Guess what – the woman is the crazy one, the one who flies off the handle over nothing! He will be quiet and have a nasty grin on his face as he makes out that you’re the one with the problem. He will be sarcastic, mimic your voice, make nasty comments about you.

The abuser can get you to believe that he can influence other people in believing you are crazy. After all you are the one who shouts, he doesn’t! But the words that are spoken are abusive!

If the abuser stays calm, doesn’t shout etc, how can you call him an abuser? He hasn’t done anything wrong! It doesn’t matter that I tell you that you are ugly, evil, a bitch and you’re not worth anything – it’s not abuse!

I know how to press your buttons to wind you up to breaking point and I will do it when I like!


Common statements he might make:

“See you’re the one who can’t control your temper!”

“It’s for your own good.”

"You are ugly and a bitch."

This type of abuser is very deceptive and it can a long time for the woman to recognise it and even longer to break away and then even longer to recover!


My 1st husband wasn't like this in the end as he couldn't control his temper. However in the beginning he would discredit me in sly ways and he destroyed all my confidence and self esteem. I put weight on and wouldn't go out, I was afraid of a 'scene' when we went out. I believed as I still do that I am fat and ugly and that no one will ever love me. This has gone on for 20 years, now I am taking action and trying to reverse the damage he did to me.

My 2nd husband at the end of our relationship told me "Who will want you?"
It still hurts.

'Living with the Dominator'

'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven is a fantastic book for anyone who wants to understand about domestic violence. It is full of illustrations and helps us to laugh as well as to cry.

Pat identified 8 different types of abusers and they do overlap. They are:

1 The Sexual Controller

2 King of the Castle

3 The Bad father

4 The Liar

5 The Persuader

6 The Headworker

7 The Jailer

8 The Bully

I would advise anyone to buy this book and there are refreshing looks at what an ideal partner should be like and stories to illustrate the points made.

The book is available from Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1284819787&sr=1-1

Pat is a very professional approachable lady and I owe her alot of thanks for all the work she has done. Her webpage is well worth a visit:
   http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/