High Horse

68% of children witness parent's abuse

When a man is violent to their partner there is 70% chance of him being violent to his children

93% of juvenile sexual assault survivors know their attackers

I am on my high horse this week. It is something I have had many arguments about with certain so called professionals.

I was five years old when mom and I left dad due to domestic violence; I still have very clear memories of incidents prior to this; some of the abuse and other unrelated memories. I can go back quite easily to my third birthday.

My first two children (by my 1st ex), were 2 and 3 years old when social services got involved. I was told by them that the children would soon forget about the abuse they had seen.

My last two children (by my 2nd ex), were 1 and 2 years old – again I was told ‘they will soon forget everything’.

In each case I argued vehemently against this statement – each time I was ignored and classed as a trouble maker.

Over time I have asked various groups of people of their first images and how old they were – on average the response has been 2 to 4 years old.

I was extremely fortunate to meet a very kind and understanding, as well as experienced psychiatrist, without prompting he told me that children as young as 2, do remember things and they remember very strong images such as domestic violence. I literally sat there and cried – I felt so vindicated, children should never see domestic violence at any level. Films are age rated against violence for a reason, so why shouldn’t that be a clue that children are affected by violence at a young age? See: http://tv.uk.msn.com/news/articles.aspx?cp-documentid=155827336

My eldest, when he was 14 years old, mentioned an incident where he kicked his own dad in the privates, to try and get his dad off me. My ex was strangling me at the time. My son was only 3 years old when this happened and he still remembers it.

Please put children before all else – they do not deserve to suffer. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping a family, now I know differently.

Birthdays

In the USA, 1 in 6 women experience attempted or complete rape sometime in their lives

In the USA, 1 in 33 men experience attempted or complete rape sometime in their lives

In Massachusetts, USA, 4,418 adolescents and adults are sexually assaulted each year -12 people each day - 1 every 2 hours

Recently I have written a lot about my 2nd ex, so for a change I thought I would refer to my 1st ex. Unfortunately the situation here is very different, in every way you can think. He is a very clever professional; an expert in his field. I have great admiration for this, but as a husband to me, it is the complete opposite. I state ‘as a husband to me,’ as he has remarried and to all intense and purposes they are happily married. Saying that, even today he is still trying to ‘control’ me, mainly with mind games. I have never been a keen or even a good chess player, so mind games to me is a non-starter. I do not understand it – the rules or even why you need to play them. It has been 11 years since we separated but things are still pretty raw in my mind, and he still manages to hurt me mentally now.

Birthdays have always been important to me – it’s family time. Something I have always been. On my 30th birthday, a day that was quite uneventful; no parties; no special present; ended up quietly with me going to bed early. He stayed downstairs and unable to sleep I called him a number of times to see if everything was alright. When he did come to bed he curled up with his back to me. Later I found out he had spent two and half hours talking over the phone to his mistress. A couple of years later I received some rather nasty court papers on my birthday – via my 1st ex. Another birthday, a row was started by my ex and upset all the family, another time my ex went out with his friends for the night. I have since stopped bothering about my own birthday – it’s just another day on the calendar.

Nothing or Everything?

80% of all rapes occur in the home

9 in 10 rape survivors are female

Most undetected rapists, are repeat rapists who on average commit 6 rapes each

99% of women survivors were raped by a male

85% of men survivors were raped by a male

The courts made an order against my 2nd ex, that he could not approach me in any form for 2 years – no communication – nothing! If he breached it, jail awaited him; something he did not want to revisit. However it was inevitable; living in the same area, that we would ‘see’ each other in the street. Like I have previously stated I tried to avoid places, even shopping in town. I was petrified of seeing him – pure and simple. The day I did literally bump into him was a Saturday afternoon. He just stared at me and carried on walking – no smile, no speech – nothing! I had imagined everything under the sun; that he would say or do in a negative manner and here it was – nothing! I continued on my way; trembling from head to toe, feeling sick. Nothing had happened; I didn’t feel relief, I was in shock, but the next time I saw him it was easier. It has got to such a point now that if I see him, I am anxious and alert – just in case.

Of course I am one of the lucky ones in this instant; there are others where further abuse has arisen – swearing; shouting; physical assault; or even worse the abuser has tried to wheedle their way into your lives.

You as an abused person will probably know what to expect; but be ready for the unexpected too. Try and stay strong; don’t let their control over you stop you living your life, step by step the control will cease and suddenly you will be as free as a bird.

8th type of Bancroft abusers

1 in 3 girls in the UK experience unwanted sexual contact whilst at school

The FBI estimate that only 37% of all rapes are reported to the police

An estimated 66k women in the UK are affected by FGM (female genital mutilation)

8th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Victim


He believes that everyone has done him a mis-service, especially his previous partners. They abused him; he never touched them. You have got to feel sorry for me.

You can not accuse the Victim of being abusive;, if you do you are just like everyone else he’s ever met. The ones that have been nasty and horrible to him, now you have started being nasty to him too.

If you hurt/upset me, I can hurt/upset you, sometimes more so – just so you learn not to hurt/upset me again.

There is no such thing as a man abusing a woman;, it’s a woman being nasty and revengeful.

My life has been so hard, it excuses my bad behaviour.

Some comments he might make:

“My ex-girlfriend used to embarrass me in public.”

“I’ve never shouted at anyone.”

“I was abused by my ex, and she is a liar.”

“I had a terrible upbringing, so I can’t help being in a bad mood.”

“You’re just like my ex, accusing me of things that aren’t true.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these signs, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck, go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex, used the excuse his father died when he was only 11 years old and his mother went 'off the rails'. He would also say he was brought up with no money, which is why he was mean with his money. He felt that everyone else owed him something. It wasn't uncommon to hear him say "what you looking at?"

What can be done?

One incident of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute.

On average, 2 women a week are killed by a current or former male partner.

These statistics are not nice to read, it could be one of your friends, family member, someone you know personally. So what can we do to try and turn things around?

Firstly to acknowledge it, secondly get professional help. There are a number of resources out there to help with domestic violence. There are the Women's Aid organisation, with many local branches throughout the UK, Rape Crisis, Refuge, Victim Support, the police are setting up Domestic Units who can provide help too, as well as local councils and social services.

Some women cannot acknowledge they are in an abusive relationship, so just be there to support them - drop hints, but do not force the issue as you could lose your friendship. Wait until they are ready to start talking about it, and be ready with information and places to go. Remember too, all information must stay confidential, if the abuser gets wind of what is going on, the abuse will escalate.

Some national help lines include:
England Helpline:    0808 2000 247

Wales helpline:       0808 80 10 800
Northern Ireland helpline:      0800 917 1414

All calls are confidential.

You can even look up information on the internet like:

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://twitter.com/PixelProject

If however a child is at risk, please act immediately, no child deserves to suffer.