6th type of abuser by Bancroft

1 in 5 women report being sexually abused as children.

Every 2minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

10,000 women are sexually assaulted every week in the UK.

65% of sexual assaults are unreported.

6th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Player


The good looker, the sexy one!
The only reason for women is to have sex with them, especially for the Player. Otherwise there wouldn’t be any women. He is so sexy no woman would want another man.

The Player also defies logic with this one – "women who want sex are loose/whores, if a woman doesn’t want sex they are too uptight/frigid". You are in a no win situation.

They believe that women find them alluring, and they all want sex with him. "Why should I refuse a woman who is offering sex on a plate?" I can’t help it, especially when the woman seduces me.

If the partner wants something from the abuser ie sex, cuddle, the abuser will refuse, they will only give these things when they want to. He controls the sexual desires for both you and them.

Abusers also blame their partner for having affairs, if you gave me what I wanted I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere.

Some comments he might make:

“Hi, I’m the man of your dreams.”

“I will have sex when I want, not when you do.”

“You are a sick woman, wanting sex all the time.”

“It’s not my fault women find me irresistible.”

“If they throw it at me, why not accept it?”

“I can’t help it/I don’t know why I did it.”

“It’s your fault I go elsewhere for sex.”

Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.


Both my ex's had affairs - note plural, not singular. Both said they couldn't help it. My 2nd ex even denied having the affairs or even trying to meet other women. It is hurtful and you do wonder what is wrong with you, but please believe me it is not your fault. You are a beautiful person and no one deserves to be treated like this.

My 2nd ex even controlled the sex in the bedroom, I would try to arouse him but I never succeeded unless he wanted it too.

4th type of abuser by Lundy Bancroft

The 4th type of Bancroft's abusers.


The Drill Sergeant

Yep, think of the traditional army drill sergeant, the one who keeps you under control otherwise you will end up doing things wrong. Even going in the bath you need his permission. He will also be very critical of your clothing.

He knows how everything should be done and you cannot question him. He knows how the toilet has to be cleaned; he knows how to cook the meat.

You are not allowed to have anyone else in your life, no friends, no family. He is all you need. This is a tactical approach to isolate the abused. He will even listen into phone calls to make sure his demands are adhered too.

He will watch you even in your sleep so that you cannot develop your self-esteem, independence or knowledge about his abusive behaviour.

The strange aspect of this person is when he says that he loves you more than anything, yet you disgust him! (I still cannot get my head round this statement from a personal point of view.)

Some comments he might make:

“You’re skirt is too short.”

“You can’t go out with your friends.”

“You have to be back home at 10 o’clock or else.”

“They pretend to be your friends but they are just using you.”

“I don’t like Amy, she is a slag and will lead you astray.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex at the end of our relationship wouldn't let me in to the bathroom without him coming in to see what I was doing. If I used the phone, he would stop what he was doing and listen to the conversation too.

My 2nd ex, tried to isolate me, by stopping friendships and trying to stop communication with my mother.