10th category of Bancroft's abusers

In the USA, a woman is raped every 90 seconds

93% of juvenile sex assults survivors know their attackers

90% of rape survivors on college campuses know their attacker

Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

He believes that he is not in control of his actions due to his illness/addictions.

He believes that you cannot challenge him about his behaviour as he is too ill and you are not being fair to him.

He believes he is not abusive, it’s the drug/illness that causes the problems. (IT DOESN’T.)

You can’t change me or challenge me or leave me as it will make me worse. It will bring my illness on again or I will have to start taking the drugs again.

Some comments he might make:

“I can’t remember, I was too drunk.”

“Go on have a shot (drug) and enjoy it with me.”

“I only hit you, because I was pissed.”

“If you leave me, I’ll be ill again.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 2nd ex, blamed alcohol for abusing me, yet would not admit he was an alcoholic. It was brought home to me that alcohol was being used as an excuse when he assaulted me whilst sober. It's easier to blame someone or something else than to admit your own failings. No one is perfect, least of all me.

9th type of Bancroft's abusers

In US, 37% of reported domestic violent incidents results in arrest, fewer then ½ are followed by convictions.

5,000 women die in the name of honour killing.

Every 2 minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

Up to 47% of women report that their first sexual encounter was forced.

9th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Terrorist

This is what the abusive man thinks!

With the Terrorist you have no rights; you cannot argue with him; you cannot leave him; he is in charge of your life. He is very controlling and watches you're every move. He will make vague threats that leave you petrified as to what will happen.

All women are spawn from the devil and need a man like him to keep the women under control by using terror/fear.

The Terrorist will also use the threat of death/suicide so that you will not leave him or have a mind of your own.

He will use the children as a weapon against you, threatening to hurt/kill them; take them from you; get them to abuse you too.

He is very controlling and likes to cause pain and fear in his victim. If you do leave him, he will stalk/follow you/threaten.

Common statements he might make:

“You have only got six months, six months.”


“You are evil; your father was the devil.”


“If you leave, I will kill myself.’


“If you leave, I will kill the kids.”


”I can kill you in a blink of an eye.”

My 2nd ex wasn't as bad as this, but I had the 'I will commit suicide'. One particular night he was walking along a canal and rang me to say he was going to jump in and drown himself if I didn't take him back. I called his bluff, he was also well lubricated with alcohol. I however was petrified that he would carry out his threat, I rang his father to discuss the situation and the father dealt with it on my behalf. He had no intention of jumping in the canal and admitted it to his father. His father needless to say gave him a real ear bending!

8th type of Bancroft abusers

1 in 3 girls in the UK experience unwanted sexual contact whilst at school

The FBI estimate that only 37% of all rapes are reported to the police

An estimated 66k women in the UK are affected by FGM (female genital mutilation)

8th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Victim


He believes that everyone has done him a mis-service, especially his previous partners. They abused him; he never touched them. You have got to feel sorry for me.

You can not accuse the Victim of being abusive;, if you do you are just like everyone else he’s ever met. The ones that have been nasty and horrible to him, now you have started being nasty to him too.

If you hurt/upset me, I can hurt/upset you, sometimes more so – just so you learn not to hurt/upset me again.

There is no such thing as a man abusing a woman;, it’s a woman being nasty and revengeful.

My life has been so hard, it excuses my bad behaviour.

Some comments he might make:

“My ex-girlfriend used to embarrass me in public.”

“I’ve never shouted at anyone.”

“I was abused by my ex, and she is a liar.”

“I had a terrible upbringing, so I can’t help being in a bad mood.”

“You’re just like my ex, accusing me of things that aren’t true.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these signs, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck, go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex, used the excuse his father died when he was only 11 years old and his mother went 'off the rails'. He would also say he was brought up with no money, which is why he was mean with his money. He felt that everyone else owed him something. It wasn't uncommon to hear him say "what you looking at?"

7th Type of Lundy's abusers

Zimbabwe domestic violence accounts for more than 60% of murder cases that go through the High Court in Harare.

In China 66% of suicides in women had been victims of domestic violence.

½ of women who die from homicides worldwide are killed by husband/partner.

In France 25,000 women are raped per year.

7th, Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

Rambo

These are what the abusive man thinks!

Rambo; he likes to think he’s a man's man. Large muscles; he also believes that strength and aggression is good. Any compassion or conflict resolution is very wrong. You cannot reason with him, he is right. He likes to put fear into others as well as his partner; he will never back down from an argument, even creating situations to show off his muscles. He believes that the women is inferior, fragile and needs protecting.

He is homophobic, and showing any feelings especially fear/grief has to be avoided at all costs.

Anything female, and homophobic is substandard. They are there to serve the man like a slave.

Men cannot hit a woman, that’s for gays. BUT, he can hit his partner to bring her back in line to what he wants.

Women are to be shown off like an award. They have to behave and look how he wants them too.

Common statements he might make:

“You’re only here to look after me.”


“If you did as I said, I wouldn’t hit you.”


“What you looking at?”


This type of abuser can be a sociopath or psychopath – but not always, they are very dangerous people to be involved with.


My 1st ex was homophobic and would deride me for being inferior to him. He would also ask anyone passing by "what you looking at?" causing an incident. He would blame me for him hitting me; "you shouldn't have done that, if you didn't I wouldn't have hit you. It's all your fault."