High Horse

68% of children witness parent's abuse

When a man is violent to their partner there is 70% chance of him being violent to his children

93% of juvenile sexual assault survivors know their attackers

I am on my high horse this week. It is something I have had many arguments about with certain so called professionals.

I was five years old when mom and I left dad due to domestic violence; I still have very clear memories of incidents prior to this; some of the abuse and other unrelated memories. I can go back quite easily to my third birthday.

My first two children (by my 1st ex), were 2 and 3 years old when social services got involved. I was told by them that the children would soon forget about the abuse they had seen.

My last two children (by my 2nd ex), were 1 and 2 years old – again I was told ‘they will soon forget everything’.

In each case I argued vehemently against this statement – each time I was ignored and classed as a trouble maker.

Over time I have asked various groups of people of their first images and how old they were – on average the response has been 2 to 4 years old.

I was extremely fortunate to meet a very kind and understanding, as well as experienced psychiatrist, without prompting he told me that children as young as 2, do remember things and they remember very strong images such as domestic violence. I literally sat there and cried – I felt so vindicated, children should never see domestic violence at any level. Films are age rated against violence for a reason, so why shouldn’t that be a clue that children are affected by violence at a young age? See: http://tv.uk.msn.com/news/articles.aspx?cp-documentid=155827336

My eldest, when he was 14 years old, mentioned an incident where he kicked his own dad in the privates, to try and get his dad off me. My ex was strangling me at the time. My son was only 3 years old when this happened and he still remembers it.

Please put children before all else – they do not deserve to suffer. I thought I was doing the right thing in keeping a family, now I know differently.

The future?

For a number of years I have drifted along not knowing exactly what I wanted to do in my life. It was only in my mid-30’s I discovered my ability and interest in writing; and in my late 30’s I achieved my BA Hons degree through the Open University. I can safely say that studying has saved my sanity. I am still learning new things and attend a workshop for writing, not too far from where I live. This has helped my confidence grow and has been a fantastic way to meet fellow writers and generally having fun. I have made a number of friends too, especially the course tutor – Sue. Its great being able to sit uninterrupted and write something very awe inspiring; or something that is dire tripe – it gets your thought processes working. That is what the whole thing is about.

Back to my point though, I was fortunate to have a coffee with Sue, it lasted over two hours; I think we successfully put the world to rights. During this time Sue came up with the idea of me running my own writing classes/groups for abused women; to help them to come to terms in their own way – with guidance. So I could combine my two passions – writing and domestic abuse together. This is only in its embryo stages, but it has given me something to work towards. Writing has certainly helped me along the way, and if there is an opportunity to help others – I am always there to try and help.

Birthdays

In the USA, 1 in 6 women experience attempted or complete rape sometime in their lives

In the USA, 1 in 33 men experience attempted or complete rape sometime in their lives

In Massachusetts, USA, 4,418 adolescents and adults are sexually assaulted each year -12 people each day - 1 every 2 hours

Recently I have written a lot about my 2nd ex, so for a change I thought I would refer to my 1st ex. Unfortunately the situation here is very different, in every way you can think. He is a very clever professional; an expert in his field. I have great admiration for this, but as a husband to me, it is the complete opposite. I state ‘as a husband to me,’ as he has remarried and to all intense and purposes they are happily married. Saying that, even today he is still trying to ‘control’ me, mainly with mind games. I have never been a keen or even a good chess player, so mind games to me is a non-starter. I do not understand it – the rules or even why you need to play them. It has been 11 years since we separated but things are still pretty raw in my mind, and he still manages to hurt me mentally now.

Birthdays have always been important to me – it’s family time. Something I have always been. On my 30th birthday, a day that was quite uneventful; no parties; no special present; ended up quietly with me going to bed early. He stayed downstairs and unable to sleep I called him a number of times to see if everything was alright. When he did come to bed he curled up with his back to me. Later I found out he had spent two and half hours talking over the phone to his mistress. A couple of years later I received some rather nasty court papers on my birthday – via my 1st ex. Another birthday, a row was started by my ex and upset all the family, another time my ex went out with his friends for the night. I have since stopped bothering about my own birthday – it’s just another day on the calendar.

Nothing or Everything?

80% of all rapes occur in the home

9 in 10 rape survivors are female

Most undetected rapists, are repeat rapists who on average commit 6 rapes each

99% of women survivors were raped by a male

85% of men survivors were raped by a male

The courts made an order against my 2nd ex, that he could not approach me in any form for 2 years – no communication – nothing! If he breached it, jail awaited him; something he did not want to revisit. However it was inevitable; living in the same area, that we would ‘see’ each other in the street. Like I have previously stated I tried to avoid places, even shopping in town. I was petrified of seeing him – pure and simple. The day I did literally bump into him was a Saturday afternoon. He just stared at me and carried on walking – no smile, no speech – nothing! I had imagined everything under the sun; that he would say or do in a negative manner and here it was – nothing! I continued on my way; trembling from head to toe, feeling sick. Nothing had happened; I didn’t feel relief, I was in shock, but the next time I saw him it was easier. It has got to such a point now that if I see him, I am anxious and alert – just in case.

Of course I am one of the lucky ones in this instant; there are others where further abuse has arisen – swearing; shouting; physical assault; or even worse the abuser has tried to wheedle their way into your lives.

You as an abused person will probably know what to expect; but be ready for the unexpected too. Try and stay strong; don’t let their control over you stop you living your life, step by step the control will cease and suddenly you will be as free as a bird.

After effects of domestic violence

People think once a person has left the abuse, everything will be alright. Even the abused will think this; unfortunately this is not the case. It is like having ‘after-shocks’; like a pebble which has been thrown into a pool, the ripples extend outwards for quite a while after the pebble has disappeared from view.


A lot will depend on the type of person you are, the type of abuse experienced, the length of time and so many other factors; as to the after effects experienced and for how long after. Help received afterwards can help reduce these effects too. The majority of abused will experience depression and even Post Traumatic Stress.

Women who have experienced domestic violence are:

5 times more likely to attempt suicide


3 times more likely to be diagnosed as depressed


15 times more likely to abuse alcohol


9 times more likely to abuse drugs.


‘In a study of 255 women with histories of abuse, 80% had post traumatic stress..’ (Healing the Trauma of Domestic Violence, by Kubany).

I still (4 years on) have nightmares that can be triggered by a number of things, even watching the soaps on television. I am not condemning the soaps, it is simply I cannot personally watch them.

When I go out I still look for the nearest escape route and I will not sit with my back to it or large groups of people. Certain looking men (those that resemble my 2nd ex) put me on edge and I will cross the road to avoid them. At one point I wouldn’t go into town on a Saturday afternoon in case I accidentally bumped into my 2nd ex and even now I will avoid passing particular pubs that I know he frequents.

These types of behaviour are normal and natural in the beginning, but not when it starts to control your life – just like he controlled your life. You have to take a step back at some point and say enough is enough, I have rights and I can go where I like, when I like. It’s not easy, I know, but the joy and wonderment you will feel once you take control back for yourself is unbelievable.

New Year's Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions; I have read many comments about making these but for some perverse reason I do not make them. Through my healing process I have learnt not to set myself up for failure. If I wish to change something I don’t wait until a future day, I start there and then. I will try it out and if it works – fine, but if it doesn’t – “so what?” Does it mean the world will end? No. So why worry about it? I might try and assess why it didn’t work and see if there is another avenue to try, but as soon as I start to get upset or feel guilty, the thought process stops. Life is too short.


Some people make ‘To-Do Lists’, again be careful not to set yourself up for failure! There are only so many hours in the day to be able to do a set amount of jobs, so why make a list of 60 hours for a set 24 hours? If you don’t finish the list, it’s not the end of the world again! Look at the items you have completed and reward yourself for those: a simple cup of tea, a bath etc.

My memory was affected quite badly for a while after I left the abuse, so lists were very important, but I used them as an aide-memoir. I would give myself a star for each item and count the chart rather than look at the items I hadn’t done. My kids thought it was quite funny until I did similar charts for them - quite useful for homework, club activities etc. My favourite treat was to take a book and laze in the bath, I was lucky to have a mom who would look after the kids whilst I had my treat.