The 3rd type of Bancroft's abusers.

Egypt; 35% of women are beaten by husbands.

42% of women in Fiji get beaten by husbands/partners when pregnant.

In Zambia 5 women a week are murdered by a male partner or family member.

Domestic Violence accounts for ¼ of all violent crime in the UK.

The 3rd type of Bancroft's abusers.
(3rd out of 10, Categories of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft)

The Water Torturer – (more psychological abuse)

These are what the abusive man thinks!


Guess what – the woman is the crazy one, the one who flies off the handle over nothing! He will be quiet and have a nasty grin on his face as he makes out that you’re the one with the problem. He will be sarcastic, mimic your voice, make nasty comments about you.

The abuser can get you to believe that he can influence other people in believing you are crazy. After all you are the one who shouts, he doesn’t! But the words that are spoken are abusive!

If the abuser stays calm, doesn’t shout etc, how can you call him an abuser? He hasn’t done anything wrong! It doesn’t matter that I tell you that you are ugly, evil, a bitch and you’re not worth anything – it’s not abuse!

I know how to press your buttons to wind you up to breaking point and I will do it when I like!


Common statements he might make:

“See you’re the one who can’t control your temper!”

“It’s for your own good.”

"You are ugly and a bitch."

This type of abuser is very deceptive and it can a long time for the woman to recognise it and even longer to break away and then even longer to recover!


My 1st husband wasn't like this in the end as he couldn't control his temper. However in the beginning he would discredit me in sly ways and he destroyed all my confidence and self esteem. I put weight on and wouldn't go out, I was afraid of a 'scene' when we went out. I believed as I still do that I am fat and ugly and that no one will ever love me. This has gone on for 20 years, now I am taking action and trying to reverse the damage he did to me.

My 2nd husband at the end of our relationship told me "Who will want you?"
It still hurts.

1st and 2nd Types of Bancroft's Abusers

Nearly 2.2 million people called a domestic violence crisis hotline in 2004 in Oregon US.

In Bangladesh 50% of all murders are of women by their partners.

In Kenya 1 woman a week is killed by a male partner.

1st and 2nd of the 10 Categories of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Demand Man

These are what the abusive man thinks!

At first glance this seems quite obvious, the man who demands everything from his partner. The dinner has to be on the table when he returns from home, if it isn’t, all hell is let lose. The other look at this type of man, is where he actually blames you (the woman) for everything that goes wrong. He drops a mug which shatters. He immediately roars at you: “What you do that for? You’re a stupid ****”. Sound familiar? He cuts himself shaving, guess what, it’s your fault you made him do it, even though you were on the way taking the kids to school.

You cannot ask him to do anything, not even to empty the trash can. If by a miracle he chooses to do something you have to be grateful for ever after.

Do you think you can criticise him? No way, he is way above that. He is perfect.

The final look is when you are always being reminded that you are very lucky – the luckiest person on earth that you have him. After all he is the most loving and caring man anyone could ever wish for. Really? No chance, the best thing that could happen is for you to leave. No man who abuses their partner really loves them. They may say they do, but how can it be true?

Common statements he might make:

 “All you care about is yourself!”

“Twenty years ago, I cleaned the sink for you, when you were sick.”

“My misses is so ungrateful for everything I do for her, she’s really selfish.”

“You’re needy and controlling...”

“All you want is my money.”

 

Mr Right

Ahh, the perfect specimen of man! Mr Right can never be faulted on anything. He is supposedly very intelligent and you have to look up to him and praise him at every turn. He also apparently knows what is best for you.

As a woman you are worthless, your opinions do not count, so why should he listen to you?

When you disagree with Mr Right, you are in the wrong because you are stupid and thick.

As long as you agree with me, you’re life will that much better. Disagree and what will happen? Beating, verbal abuse....

When you don’t agree with the man, you are also being very disrespectful towards me.

I have to keep putting you down, so that you will learn that I am right.

Some comments Mr Right will make:

“I am always right, I know everything!”


“Don’t back answer me, that’s showing disrespect to me.”


“You are always coming up with stupid ideas.”

Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. You might find that the abuser actually has traits from both Mr Right and Demand Man. This is not unusual. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My next blog will look at some more categories that L Bancroft has recognised, so these two above are not the only two – there are 8 more to go!

Why Does He Do That?

‘Why Does He Do That?’

A book written by Lundy Bancroft, a fantastic look at abusers from the view of a counsellor in USA. Having worked as a counsellor, evaluator and investigator for over twenty years. Looking at over 2,000 cases (at least), Lundy is in a prime position to write this fantastic book. During his work he discovered that the abusers fell into different “classes”, some overlapping. He listens to both sides of each story and comes to his own conclusions. Being a male writer I was a little suspect at how honest the work would be, but I need not have to worry. Lundy has a no nonsense approach and says it as he sees it. Often the abuser is brought down with a big bang and he makes no apologies for it.

He believes that abusers do know what they are doing and provides a number of examples to prove his point.

He also believes that a man can not love a woman and subject her to abuse (and vice versa). Again examples are given to prove the point.

Further he believes that an abuser can change, with assistance and their own pure determination. It surprised me that Lundy says that an abuser needs at least 2 years of counselling!! Even then it might not work; it is totally dependent on the abuser. Shockingly in the UK, there is a programme for abusers run by the Probation Service (called IDAP) and this only lasts for 10 weeks. What chance have we got in the UK?

The categories that Lundy has discovered are:

- The Demand Man

- Mr Right
- The Water Torturer
- The Drill Sergeant
- Mr Sensitive
- The Player
- Rambo
- The Victim
- The Terrorist
- The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

Please note though:

‘Mental illness doesn’t cause abusiveness any more than alcohol does.’ P.39 Lundy Bancroft

Mental illness is only used by abusers as an excuse, so don’t get into the same trap I did!

I will look closer at each category to help you understand them more easily and help you recognise qualities that are not desirable.

What can be done?

One incident of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute.

On average, 2 women a week are killed by a current or former male partner.

These statistics are not nice to read, it could be one of your friends, family member, someone you know personally. So what can we do to try and turn things around?

Firstly to acknowledge it, secondly get professional help. There are a number of resources out there to help with domestic violence. There are the Women's Aid organisation, with many local branches throughout the UK, Rape Crisis, Refuge, Victim Support, the police are setting up Domestic Units who can provide help too, as well as local councils and social services.

Some women cannot acknowledge they are in an abusive relationship, so just be there to support them - drop hints, but do not force the issue as you could lose your friendship. Wait until they are ready to start talking about it, and be ready with information and places to go. Remember too, all information must stay confidential, if the abuser gets wind of what is going on, the abuse will escalate.

Some national help lines include:
England Helpline:    0808 2000 247

Wales helpline:       0808 80 10 800
Northern Ireland helpline:      0800 917 1414

All calls are confidential.

You can even look up information on the internet like:

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://twitter.com/PixelProject

If however a child is at risk, please act immediately, no child deserves to suffer.

'Living with the Dominator'

'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven is a fantastic book for anyone who wants to understand about domestic violence. It is full of illustrations and helps us to laugh as well as to cry.

Pat identified 8 different types of abusers and they do overlap. They are:

1 The Sexual Controller

2 King of the Castle

3 The Bad father

4 The Liar

5 The Persuader

6 The Headworker

7 The Jailer

8 The Bully

I would advise anyone to buy this book and there are refreshing looks at what an ideal partner should be like and stories to illustrate the points made.

The book is available from Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1284819787&sr=1-1

Pat is a very professional approachable lady and I owe her alot of thanks for all the work she has done. Her webpage is well worth a visit:
   http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Statistics that are shocking

Did you know that 1 in 5 women report being sexually abused as children?

It would be interesting to find out the statistics for males too, as we mustn't forget abuse does affect men too! Don't forget the adults might be abusing each other, but a child even witnessing it is also being abused. A child does not have to wear a black eye like this child; they will have emotional issues to deal with too. It's hard to see your parents beating each other, screaming at each other... STOP and think about them....

Every 2 minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

Domestic abuse/violence is a major problem throughout the world and it needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later. The UK is not as forward thinking like the USA and publishing books of personal experiences of domestic violence is rather neglected here in the UK. People who do write their stories end up having to self publish and of course the market is not as easily accessible as when publishers are used. I believe this problem is stemmed in the UK's upper lip syndrome and keeping things behind closed doors. The UK does have domestic violence and it is as prevalent as in the USA and Afghanistan, please publishers start pulling your fingers out and help the people who need it most.

In no country in the world are women safe from this type of violence. Out of ten counties surveyed in a 2005 study by the World Health Organization (WHO), more than 50 percent of women in Bangladesh, Ethiopia, Peru and Tanzania reported having been subjected to physical or sexual violence by intimate partners, with figures reaching staggering 71 percent in rural Ethiopia. Only in one country (Japan) did less than 20 percent of women report incidents of domestic violence. http://www.unifem.org/gender_issues/violence_against_women/facts_figures.php?page=2

Finally: If you live in Ireland and need help the NATIONAL FREEPHONE HELPLINE is 1800 341 900

Please spread this news and help too.

"Whose Face is in the Mirror?"

2,000 women are raped every week in the UK.

75% of all rape survivors know their attackers.

80% of all rapes occur in the home.

9 in 10 rape survivors are female.

'Whose Face is in the mirror?'

I have just read this book, written by Diane Schwartz. It was a compelling read, telling of the abuse she experienced and the process of breaking away from it. She also tells of her family background which has influenced her beliefs and how she changes it all to become a champion helper to other abusees. What is also incredible is the fact this lady used to be a model, so had confidence in her looks - or so you are led to believe. A fantastic read and one I would recommend to anyone who wants to learn about domestic violence and ways of escaping it.

If you are in the UK and need help escaping domestic violence, call the 24-hr helpline at 0808 2000 247.

Boys who witness their fathers' violence are 10 times more likely to engage in spouse abuse in later adulthood. (Domestic Violence Pixel Project Team - Twitter)

If you know anyone in an abusive relationship, be gentle and supportive and get professional advice from a group like Women's Aid. There are a number of webpages that can provide further contact details and I will start adding them on here for easy reference.