6th type of abuser by Bancroft

1 in 5 women report being sexually abused as children.

Every 2minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

10,000 women are sexually assaulted every week in the UK.

65% of sexual assaults are unreported.

6th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Player


The good looker, the sexy one!
The only reason for women is to have sex with them, especially for the Player. Otherwise there wouldn’t be any women. He is so sexy no woman would want another man.

The Player also defies logic with this one – "women who want sex are loose/whores, if a woman doesn’t want sex they are too uptight/frigid". You are in a no win situation.

They believe that women find them alluring, and they all want sex with him. "Why should I refuse a woman who is offering sex on a plate?" I can’t help it, especially when the woman seduces me.

If the partner wants something from the abuser ie sex, cuddle, the abuser will refuse, they will only give these things when they want to. He controls the sexual desires for both you and them.

Abusers also blame their partner for having affairs, if you gave me what I wanted I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere.

Some comments he might make:

“Hi, I’m the man of your dreams.”

“I will have sex when I want, not when you do.”

“You are a sick woman, wanting sex all the time.”

“It’s not my fault women find me irresistible.”

“If they throw it at me, why not accept it?”

“I can’t help it/I don’t know why I did it.”

“It’s your fault I go elsewhere for sex.”

Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.


Both my ex's had affairs - note plural, not singular. Both said they couldn't help it. My 2nd ex even denied having the affairs or even trying to meet other women. It is hurtful and you do wonder what is wrong with you, but please believe me it is not your fault. You are a beautiful person and no one deserves to be treated like this.

My 2nd ex even controlled the sex in the bedroom, I would try to arouse him but I never succeeded unless he wanted it too.

5th type of Bancroft

On average a woman will be assaulted 35 times before reporting it to police.

30% of domestic violence starts or escalates during pregnancy.

San Antonio police responds to ~ 3,000 calls for domestic violence each month.

Over 42% of women are abused in Turkey.

5th  Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

Mr Sensitive!

This is what the abusive man thinks!

Mr Sensitive does not like real macho men, because of this he can not under any circumstances be abusive himself. He is usually softly spoken, gentle and supportive –when it suits him! He likes to talk about himself.

He will use a lot of psychological jargon, to throw you and others off the fact that he is abusing you.

He will psychologically analyse your problems, your emotions, childhood traumas and enter inside your mind – whether you want him to or not. You have no choice; he is in control, not you.

The abuser’s feelings are more important than anything else, even your feelings. Everything revolves around his feelings. If your feelings are hurt, it doesn’t mean anything and it will be ignored.

Mr Sensitive will also make you believe, like him, that all women should be grateful to him for being so sensitive unlike those macho men.

Common statements he might make:

“You’ve hurt my feelings.”


“You don’t care for me.”


“We need to work out our problems.”


“Why are you upset? I am upset and you don’t think anything about it.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on.  If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex was a little like this, a very emotional man and would cry because someone was nasty to him. He would like to look at our problems, but would make it sound like it was my fault. He loved to play mind games and manipulate the situation to suit himself. If things seemed to be going against him, he would then put the water works on and play the innocent victim.

4th type of abuser by Lundy Bancroft

The 4th type of Bancroft's abusers.


The Drill Sergeant

Yep, think of the traditional army drill sergeant, the one who keeps you under control otherwise you will end up doing things wrong. Even going in the bath you need his permission. He will also be very critical of your clothing.

He knows how everything should be done and you cannot question him. He knows how the toilet has to be cleaned; he knows how to cook the meat.

You are not allowed to have anyone else in your life, no friends, no family. He is all you need. This is a tactical approach to isolate the abused. He will even listen into phone calls to make sure his demands are adhered too.

He will watch you even in your sleep so that you cannot develop your self-esteem, independence or knowledge about his abusive behaviour.

The strange aspect of this person is when he says that he loves you more than anything, yet you disgust him! (I still cannot get my head round this statement from a personal point of view.)

Some comments he might make:

“You’re skirt is too short.”

“You can’t go out with your friends.”

“You have to be back home at 10 o’clock or else.”

“They pretend to be your friends but they are just using you.”

“I don’t like Amy, she is a slag and will lead you astray.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex at the end of our relationship wouldn't let me in to the bathroom without him coming in to see what I was doing. If I used the phone, he would stop what he was doing and listen to the conversation too.

My 2nd ex, tried to isolate me, by stopping friendships and trying to stop communication with my mother.

The 3rd type of Bancroft's abusers.

Egypt; 35% of women are beaten by husbands.

42% of women in Fiji get beaten by husbands/partners when pregnant.

In Zambia 5 women a week are murdered by a male partner or family member.

Domestic Violence accounts for ¼ of all violent crime in the UK.

The 3rd type of Bancroft's abusers.
(3rd out of 10, Categories of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft)

The Water Torturer – (more psychological abuse)

These are what the abusive man thinks!


Guess what – the woman is the crazy one, the one who flies off the handle over nothing! He will be quiet and have a nasty grin on his face as he makes out that you’re the one with the problem. He will be sarcastic, mimic your voice, make nasty comments about you.

The abuser can get you to believe that he can influence other people in believing you are crazy. After all you are the one who shouts, he doesn’t! But the words that are spoken are abusive!

If the abuser stays calm, doesn’t shout etc, how can you call him an abuser? He hasn’t done anything wrong! It doesn’t matter that I tell you that you are ugly, evil, a bitch and you’re not worth anything – it’s not abuse!

I know how to press your buttons to wind you up to breaking point and I will do it when I like!


Common statements he might make:

“See you’re the one who can’t control your temper!”

“It’s for your own good.”

"You are ugly and a bitch."

This type of abuser is very deceptive and it can a long time for the woman to recognise it and even longer to break away and then even longer to recover!


My 1st husband wasn't like this in the end as he couldn't control his temper. However in the beginning he would discredit me in sly ways and he destroyed all my confidence and self esteem. I put weight on and wouldn't go out, I was afraid of a 'scene' when we went out. I believed as I still do that I am fat and ugly and that no one will ever love me. This has gone on for 20 years, now I am taking action and trying to reverse the damage he did to me.

My 2nd husband at the end of our relationship told me "Who will want you?"
It still hurts.

1st and 2nd Types of Bancroft's Abusers

Nearly 2.2 million people called a domestic violence crisis hotline in 2004 in Oregon US.

In Bangladesh 50% of all murders are of women by their partners.

In Kenya 1 woman a week is killed by a male partner.

1st and 2nd of the 10 Categories of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Demand Man

These are what the abusive man thinks!

At first glance this seems quite obvious, the man who demands everything from his partner. The dinner has to be on the table when he returns from home, if it isn’t, all hell is let lose. The other look at this type of man, is where he actually blames you (the woman) for everything that goes wrong. He drops a mug which shatters. He immediately roars at you: “What you do that for? You’re a stupid ****”. Sound familiar? He cuts himself shaving, guess what, it’s your fault you made him do it, even though you were on the way taking the kids to school.

You cannot ask him to do anything, not even to empty the trash can. If by a miracle he chooses to do something you have to be grateful for ever after.

Do you think you can criticise him? No way, he is way above that. He is perfect.

The final look is when you are always being reminded that you are very lucky – the luckiest person on earth that you have him. After all he is the most loving and caring man anyone could ever wish for. Really? No chance, the best thing that could happen is for you to leave. No man who abuses their partner really loves them. They may say they do, but how can it be true?

Common statements he might make:

 “All you care about is yourself!”

“Twenty years ago, I cleaned the sink for you, when you were sick.”

“My misses is so ungrateful for everything I do for her, she’s really selfish.”

“You’re needy and controlling...”

“All you want is my money.”

 

Mr Right

Ahh, the perfect specimen of man! Mr Right can never be faulted on anything. He is supposedly very intelligent and you have to look up to him and praise him at every turn. He also apparently knows what is best for you.

As a woman you are worthless, your opinions do not count, so why should he listen to you?

When you disagree with Mr Right, you are in the wrong because you are stupid and thick.

As long as you agree with me, you’re life will that much better. Disagree and what will happen? Beating, verbal abuse....

When you don’t agree with the man, you are also being very disrespectful towards me.

I have to keep putting you down, so that you will learn that I am right.

Some comments Mr Right will make:

“I am always right, I know everything!”


“Don’t back answer me, that’s showing disrespect to me.”


“You are always coming up with stupid ideas.”

Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. You might find that the abuser actually has traits from both Mr Right and Demand Man. This is not unusual. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My next blog will look at some more categories that L Bancroft has recognised, so these two above are not the only two – there are 8 more to go!

Why Does He Do That?

‘Why Does He Do That?’

A book written by Lundy Bancroft, a fantastic look at abusers from the view of a counsellor in USA. Having worked as a counsellor, evaluator and investigator for over twenty years. Looking at over 2,000 cases (at least), Lundy is in a prime position to write this fantastic book. During his work he discovered that the abusers fell into different “classes”, some overlapping. He listens to both sides of each story and comes to his own conclusions. Being a male writer I was a little suspect at how honest the work would be, but I need not have to worry. Lundy has a no nonsense approach and says it as he sees it. Often the abuser is brought down with a big bang and he makes no apologies for it.

He believes that abusers do know what they are doing and provides a number of examples to prove his point.

He also believes that a man can not love a woman and subject her to abuse (and vice versa). Again examples are given to prove the point.

Further he believes that an abuser can change, with assistance and their own pure determination. It surprised me that Lundy says that an abuser needs at least 2 years of counselling!! Even then it might not work; it is totally dependent on the abuser. Shockingly in the UK, there is a programme for abusers run by the Probation Service (called IDAP) and this only lasts for 10 weeks. What chance have we got in the UK?

The categories that Lundy has discovered are:

- The Demand Man

- Mr Right
- The Water Torturer
- The Drill Sergeant
- Mr Sensitive
- The Player
- Rambo
- The Victim
- The Terrorist
- The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

Please note though:

‘Mental illness doesn’t cause abusiveness any more than alcohol does.’ P.39 Lundy Bancroft

Mental illness is only used by abusers as an excuse, so don’t get into the same trap I did!

I will look closer at each category to help you understand them more easily and help you recognise qualities that are not desirable.

What can be done?

One incident of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute.

On average, 2 women a week are killed by a current or former male partner.

These statistics are not nice to read, it could be one of your friends, family member, someone you know personally. So what can we do to try and turn things around?

Firstly to acknowledge it, secondly get professional help. There are a number of resources out there to help with domestic violence. There are the Women's Aid organisation, with many local branches throughout the UK, Rape Crisis, Refuge, Victim Support, the police are setting up Domestic Units who can provide help too, as well as local councils and social services.

Some women cannot acknowledge they are in an abusive relationship, so just be there to support them - drop hints, but do not force the issue as you could lose your friendship. Wait until they are ready to start talking about it, and be ready with information and places to go. Remember too, all information must stay confidential, if the abuser gets wind of what is going on, the abuse will escalate.

Some national help lines include:
England Helpline:    0808 2000 247

Wales helpline:       0808 80 10 800
Northern Ireland helpline:      0800 917 1414

All calls are confidential.

You can even look up information on the internet like:

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://twitter.com/PixelProject

If however a child is at risk, please act immediately, no child deserves to suffer.