10th category of Bancroft's abusers

In the USA, a woman is raped every 90 seconds

93% of juvenile sex assults survivors know their attackers

90% of rape survivors on college campuses know their attacker

Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

He believes that he is not in control of his actions due to his illness/addictions.

He believes that you cannot challenge him about his behaviour as he is too ill and you are not being fair to him.

He believes he is not abusive, it’s the drug/illness that causes the problems. (IT DOESN’T.)

You can’t change me or challenge me or leave me as it will make me worse. It will bring my illness on again or I will have to start taking the drugs again.

Some comments he might make:

“I can’t remember, I was too drunk.”

“Go on have a shot (drug) and enjoy it with me.”

“I only hit you, because I was pissed.”

“If you leave me, I’ll be ill again.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 2nd ex, blamed alcohol for abusing me, yet would not admit he was an alcoholic. It was brought home to me that alcohol was being used as an excuse when he assaulted me whilst sober. It's easier to blame someone or something else than to admit your own failings. No one is perfect, least of all me.

9th type of Bancroft's abusers

In US, 37% of reported domestic violent incidents results in arrest, fewer then ½ are followed by convictions.

5,000 women die in the name of honour killing.

Every 2 minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

Up to 47% of women report that their first sexual encounter was forced.

9th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Terrorist

This is what the abusive man thinks!

With the Terrorist you have no rights; you cannot argue with him; you cannot leave him; he is in charge of your life. He is very controlling and watches you're every move. He will make vague threats that leave you petrified as to what will happen.

All women are spawn from the devil and need a man like him to keep the women under control by using terror/fear.

The Terrorist will also use the threat of death/suicide so that you will not leave him or have a mind of your own.

He will use the children as a weapon against you, threatening to hurt/kill them; take them from you; get them to abuse you too.

He is very controlling and likes to cause pain and fear in his victim. If you do leave him, he will stalk/follow you/threaten.

Common statements he might make:

“You have only got six months, six months.”


“You are evil; your father was the devil.”


“If you leave, I will kill myself.’


“If you leave, I will kill the kids.”


”I can kill you in a blink of an eye.”

My 2nd ex wasn't as bad as this, but I had the 'I will commit suicide'. One particular night he was walking along a canal and rang me to say he was going to jump in and drown himself if I didn't take him back. I called his bluff, he was also well lubricated with alcohol. I however was petrified that he would carry out his threat, I rang his father to discuss the situation and the father dealt with it on my behalf. He had no intention of jumping in the canal and admitted it to his father. His father needless to say gave him a real ear bending!

8th type of Bancroft abusers

1 in 3 girls in the UK experience unwanted sexual contact whilst at school

The FBI estimate that only 37% of all rapes are reported to the police

An estimated 66k women in the UK are affected by FGM (female genital mutilation)

8th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Victim


He believes that everyone has done him a mis-service, especially his previous partners. They abused him; he never touched them. You have got to feel sorry for me.

You can not accuse the Victim of being abusive;, if you do you are just like everyone else he’s ever met. The ones that have been nasty and horrible to him, now you have started being nasty to him too.

If you hurt/upset me, I can hurt/upset you, sometimes more so – just so you learn not to hurt/upset me again.

There is no such thing as a man abusing a woman;, it’s a woman being nasty and revengeful.

My life has been so hard, it excuses my bad behaviour.

Some comments he might make:

“My ex-girlfriend used to embarrass me in public.”

“I’ve never shouted at anyone.”

“I was abused by my ex, and she is a liar.”

“I had a terrible upbringing, so I can’t help being in a bad mood.”

“You’re just like my ex, accusing me of things that aren’t true.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these signs, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck, go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex, used the excuse his father died when he was only 11 years old and his mother went 'off the rails'. He would also say he was brought up with no money, which is why he was mean with his money. He felt that everyone else owed him something. It wasn't uncommon to hear him say "what you looking at?"

7th Type of Lundy's abusers

Zimbabwe domestic violence accounts for more than 60% of murder cases that go through the High Court in Harare.

In China 66% of suicides in women had been victims of domestic violence.

½ of women who die from homicides worldwide are killed by husband/partner.

In France 25,000 women are raped per year.

7th, Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

Rambo

These are what the abusive man thinks!

Rambo; he likes to think he’s a man's man. Large muscles; he also believes that strength and aggression is good. Any compassion or conflict resolution is very wrong. You cannot reason with him, he is right. He likes to put fear into others as well as his partner; he will never back down from an argument, even creating situations to show off his muscles. He believes that the women is inferior, fragile and needs protecting.

He is homophobic, and showing any feelings especially fear/grief has to be avoided at all costs.

Anything female, and homophobic is substandard. They are there to serve the man like a slave.

Men cannot hit a woman, that’s for gays. BUT, he can hit his partner to bring her back in line to what he wants.

Women are to be shown off like an award. They have to behave and look how he wants them too.

Common statements he might make:

“You’re only here to look after me.”


“If you did as I said, I wouldn’t hit you.”


“What you looking at?”


This type of abuser can be a sociopath or psychopath – but not always, they are very dangerous people to be involved with.


My 1st ex was homophobic and would deride me for being inferior to him. He would also ask anyone passing by "what you looking at?" causing an incident. He would blame me for him hitting me; "you shouldn't have done that, if you didn't I wouldn't have hit you. It's all your fault."

6th type of abuser by Bancroft

1 in 5 women report being sexually abused as children.

Every 2minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

10,000 women are sexually assaulted every week in the UK.

65% of sexual assaults are unreported.

6th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Player


The good looker, the sexy one!
The only reason for women is to have sex with them, especially for the Player. Otherwise there wouldn’t be any women. He is so sexy no woman would want another man.

The Player also defies logic with this one – "women who want sex are loose/whores, if a woman doesn’t want sex they are too uptight/frigid". You are in a no win situation.

They believe that women find them alluring, and they all want sex with him. "Why should I refuse a woman who is offering sex on a plate?" I can’t help it, especially when the woman seduces me.

If the partner wants something from the abuser ie sex, cuddle, the abuser will refuse, they will only give these things when they want to. He controls the sexual desires for both you and them.

Abusers also blame their partner for having affairs, if you gave me what I wanted I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere.

Some comments he might make:

“Hi, I’m the man of your dreams.”

“I will have sex when I want, not when you do.”

“You are a sick woman, wanting sex all the time.”

“It’s not my fault women find me irresistible.”

“If they throw it at me, why not accept it?”

“I can’t help it/I don’t know why I did it.”

“It’s your fault I go elsewhere for sex.”

Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.


Both my ex's had affairs - note plural, not singular. Both said they couldn't help it. My 2nd ex even denied having the affairs or even trying to meet other women. It is hurtful and you do wonder what is wrong with you, but please believe me it is not your fault. You are a beautiful person and no one deserves to be treated like this.

My 2nd ex even controlled the sex in the bedroom, I would try to arouse him but I never succeeded unless he wanted it too.

5th type of Bancroft

On average a woman will be assaulted 35 times before reporting it to police.

30% of domestic violence starts or escalates during pregnancy.

San Antonio police responds to ~ 3,000 calls for domestic violence each month.

Over 42% of women are abused in Turkey.

5th  Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

Mr Sensitive!

This is what the abusive man thinks!

Mr Sensitive does not like real macho men, because of this he can not under any circumstances be abusive himself. He is usually softly spoken, gentle and supportive –when it suits him! He likes to talk about himself.

He will use a lot of psychological jargon, to throw you and others off the fact that he is abusing you.

He will psychologically analyse your problems, your emotions, childhood traumas and enter inside your mind – whether you want him to or not. You have no choice; he is in control, not you.

The abuser’s feelings are more important than anything else, even your feelings. Everything revolves around his feelings. If your feelings are hurt, it doesn’t mean anything and it will be ignored.

Mr Sensitive will also make you believe, like him, that all women should be grateful to him for being so sensitive unlike those macho men.

Common statements he might make:

“You’ve hurt my feelings.”


“You don’t care for me.”


“We need to work out our problems.”


“Why are you upset? I am upset and you don’t think anything about it.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on.  If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex was a little like this, a very emotional man and would cry because someone was nasty to him. He would like to look at our problems, but would make it sound like it was my fault. He loved to play mind games and manipulate the situation to suit himself. If things seemed to be going against him, he would then put the water works on and play the innocent victim.

4th type of abuser by Lundy Bancroft

The 4th type of Bancroft's abusers.


The Drill Sergeant

Yep, think of the traditional army drill sergeant, the one who keeps you under control otherwise you will end up doing things wrong. Even going in the bath you need his permission. He will also be very critical of your clothing.

He knows how everything should be done and you cannot question him. He knows how the toilet has to be cleaned; he knows how to cook the meat.

You are not allowed to have anyone else in your life, no friends, no family. He is all you need. This is a tactical approach to isolate the abused. He will even listen into phone calls to make sure his demands are adhered too.

He will watch you even in your sleep so that you cannot develop your self-esteem, independence or knowledge about his abusive behaviour.

The strange aspect of this person is when he says that he loves you more than anything, yet you disgust him! (I still cannot get my head round this statement from a personal point of view.)

Some comments he might make:

“You’re skirt is too short.”

“You can’t go out with your friends.”

“You have to be back home at 10 o’clock or else.”

“They pretend to be your friends but they are just using you.”

“I don’t like Amy, she is a slag and will lead you astray.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex at the end of our relationship wouldn't let me in to the bathroom without him coming in to see what I was doing. If I used the phone, he would stop what he was doing and listen to the conversation too.

My 2nd ex, tried to isolate me, by stopping friendships and trying to stop communication with my mother.