A book written by Lundy Bancroft, a fantastic look at abusers from the view of a counsellor in USA. Having worked as a counsellor, evaluator and investigator for over twenty years. Looking at over 2,000 cases (at least), Lundy is in a prime position to write this fantastic book. During his work he discovered that the abusers fell into different “classes”, some overlapping. He listens to both sides of each story and comes to his own conclusions. Being a male writer I was a little suspect at how honest the work would be, but I need not have to worry. Lundy has a no nonsense approach and says it as he sees it. Often the abuser is brought down with a big bang and he makes no apologies for it. He believes that abusers do know what they are doing and provides a number of examples to prove his point.
He also believes that a man can not love a woman and subject her to abuse (and vice versa). Again examples are given to prove the point.
Further he believes that an abuser can change, with assistance and their own pure determination. It surprised me that Lundy says that an abuser needs at least 2 years of counselling!! Even then it might not work; it is totally dependent on the abuser. Shockingly in the UK, there is a programme for abusers run by the Probation Service (called IDAP) and this only lasts for 10 weeks. What chance have we got in the UK?
The categories that Lundy has discovered are:
- The Demand Man
- Mr Right- The Water Torturer
- The Drill Sergeant
- Mr Sensitive
- The Player
- Rambo
- The Victim
- The Terrorist
- The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser
Please note though:
‘Mental illness doesn’t cause abusiveness any more than alcohol does.’ P.39 Lundy Bancroft
Mental illness is only used by abusers as an excuse, so don’t get into the same trap I did!
I will look closer at each category to help you understand them more easily and help you recognise qualities that are not desirable.
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