10th category of Bancroft's abusers

In the USA, a woman is raped every 90 seconds

93% of juvenile sex assults survivors know their attackers

90% of rape survivors on college campuses know their attacker

Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

He believes that he is not in control of his actions due to his illness/addictions.

He believes that you cannot challenge him about his behaviour as he is too ill and you are not being fair to him.

He believes he is not abusive, it’s the drug/illness that causes the problems. (IT DOESN’T.)

You can’t change me or challenge me or leave me as it will make me worse. It will bring my illness on again or I will have to start taking the drugs again.

Some comments he might make:

“I can’t remember, I was too drunk.”

“Go on have a shot (drug) and enjoy it with me.”

“I only hit you, because I was pissed.”

“If you leave me, I’ll be ill again.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 2nd ex, blamed alcohol for abusing me, yet would not admit he was an alcoholic. It was brought home to me that alcohol was being used as an excuse when he assaulted me whilst sober. It's easier to blame someone or something else than to admit your own failings. No one is perfect, least of all me.

9th type of Bancroft's abusers

In US, 37% of reported domestic violent incidents results in arrest, fewer then ½ are followed by convictions.

5,000 women die in the name of honour killing.

Every 2 minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

Up to 47% of women report that their first sexual encounter was forced.

9th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Terrorist

This is what the abusive man thinks!

With the Terrorist you have no rights; you cannot argue with him; you cannot leave him; he is in charge of your life. He is very controlling and watches you're every move. He will make vague threats that leave you petrified as to what will happen.

All women are spawn from the devil and need a man like him to keep the women under control by using terror/fear.

The Terrorist will also use the threat of death/suicide so that you will not leave him or have a mind of your own.

He will use the children as a weapon against you, threatening to hurt/kill them; take them from you; get them to abuse you too.

He is very controlling and likes to cause pain and fear in his victim. If you do leave him, he will stalk/follow you/threaten.

Common statements he might make:

“You have only got six months, six months.”


“You are evil; your father was the devil.”


“If you leave, I will kill myself.’


“If you leave, I will kill the kids.”


”I can kill you in a blink of an eye.”

My 2nd ex wasn't as bad as this, but I had the 'I will commit suicide'. One particular night he was walking along a canal and rang me to say he was going to jump in and drown himself if I didn't take him back. I called his bluff, he was also well lubricated with alcohol. I however was petrified that he would carry out his threat, I rang his father to discuss the situation and the father dealt with it on my behalf. He had no intention of jumping in the canal and admitted it to his father. His father needless to say gave him a real ear bending!

8th type of Bancroft abusers

1 in 3 girls in the UK experience unwanted sexual contact whilst at school

The FBI estimate that only 37% of all rapes are reported to the police

An estimated 66k women in the UK are affected by FGM (female genital mutilation)

8th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Victim


He believes that everyone has done him a mis-service, especially his previous partners. They abused him; he never touched them. You have got to feel sorry for me.

You can not accuse the Victim of being abusive;, if you do you are just like everyone else he’s ever met. The ones that have been nasty and horrible to him, now you have started being nasty to him too.

If you hurt/upset me, I can hurt/upset you, sometimes more so – just so you learn not to hurt/upset me again.

There is no such thing as a man abusing a woman;, it’s a woman being nasty and revengeful.

My life has been so hard, it excuses my bad behaviour.

Some comments he might make:

“My ex-girlfriend used to embarrass me in public.”

“I’ve never shouted at anyone.”

“I was abused by my ex, and she is a liar.”

“I had a terrible upbringing, so I can’t help being in a bad mood.”

“You’re just like my ex, accusing me of things that aren’t true.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these signs, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck, go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex, used the excuse his father died when he was only 11 years old and his mother went 'off the rails'. He would also say he was brought up with no money, which is why he was mean with his money. He felt that everyone else owed him something. It wasn't uncommon to hear him say "what you looking at?"

7th Type of Lundy's abusers

Zimbabwe domestic violence accounts for more than 60% of murder cases that go through the High Court in Harare.

In China 66% of suicides in women had been victims of domestic violence.

½ of women who die from homicides worldwide are killed by husband/partner.

In France 25,000 women are raped per year.

7th, Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

Rambo

These are what the abusive man thinks!

Rambo; he likes to think he’s a man's man. Large muscles; he also believes that strength and aggression is good. Any compassion or conflict resolution is very wrong. You cannot reason with him, he is right. He likes to put fear into others as well as his partner; he will never back down from an argument, even creating situations to show off his muscles. He believes that the women is inferior, fragile and needs protecting.

He is homophobic, and showing any feelings especially fear/grief has to be avoided at all costs.

Anything female, and homophobic is substandard. They are there to serve the man like a slave.

Men cannot hit a woman, that’s for gays. BUT, he can hit his partner to bring her back in line to what he wants.

Women are to be shown off like an award. They have to behave and look how he wants them too.

Common statements he might make:

“You’re only here to look after me.”


“If you did as I said, I wouldn’t hit you.”


“What you looking at?”


This type of abuser can be a sociopath or psychopath – but not always, they are very dangerous people to be involved with.


My 1st ex was homophobic and would deride me for being inferior to him. He would also ask anyone passing by "what you looking at?" causing an incident. He would blame me for him hitting me; "you shouldn't have done that, if you didn't I wouldn't have hit you. It's all your fault."

6th type of abuser by Bancroft

1 in 5 women report being sexually abused as children.

Every 2minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

10,000 women are sexually assaulted every week in the UK.

65% of sexual assaults are unreported.

6th Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Player


The good looker, the sexy one!
The only reason for women is to have sex with them, especially for the Player. Otherwise there wouldn’t be any women. He is so sexy no woman would want another man.

The Player also defies logic with this one – "women who want sex are loose/whores, if a woman doesn’t want sex they are too uptight/frigid". You are in a no win situation.

They believe that women find them alluring, and they all want sex with him. "Why should I refuse a woman who is offering sex on a plate?" I can’t help it, especially when the woman seduces me.

If the partner wants something from the abuser ie sex, cuddle, the abuser will refuse, they will only give these things when they want to. He controls the sexual desires for both you and them.

Abusers also blame their partner for having affairs, if you gave me what I wanted I wouldn’t have to look elsewhere.

Some comments he might make:

“Hi, I’m the man of your dreams.”

“I will have sex when I want, not when you do.”

“You are a sick woman, wanting sex all the time.”

“It’s not my fault women find me irresistible.”

“If they throw it at me, why not accept it?”

“I can’t help it/I don’t know why I did it.”

“It’s your fault I go elsewhere for sex.”

Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.


Both my ex's had affairs - note plural, not singular. Both said they couldn't help it. My 2nd ex even denied having the affairs or even trying to meet other women. It is hurtful and you do wonder what is wrong with you, but please believe me it is not your fault. You are a beautiful person and no one deserves to be treated like this.

My 2nd ex even controlled the sex in the bedroom, I would try to arouse him but I never succeeded unless he wanted it too.

5th type of Bancroft

On average a woman will be assaulted 35 times before reporting it to police.

30% of domestic violence starts or escalates during pregnancy.

San Antonio police responds to ~ 3,000 calls for domestic violence each month.

Over 42% of women are abused in Turkey.

5th  Category of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

Mr Sensitive!

This is what the abusive man thinks!

Mr Sensitive does not like real macho men, because of this he can not under any circumstances be abusive himself. He is usually softly spoken, gentle and supportive –when it suits him! He likes to talk about himself.

He will use a lot of psychological jargon, to throw you and others off the fact that he is abusing you.

He will psychologically analyse your problems, your emotions, childhood traumas and enter inside your mind – whether you want him to or not. You have no choice; he is in control, not you.

The abuser’s feelings are more important than anything else, even your feelings. Everything revolves around his feelings. If your feelings are hurt, it doesn’t mean anything and it will be ignored.

Mr Sensitive will also make you believe, like him, that all women should be grateful to him for being so sensitive unlike those macho men.

Common statements he might make:

“You’ve hurt my feelings.”


“You don’t care for me.”


“We need to work out our problems.”


“Why are you upset? I am upset and you don’t think anything about it.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on.  If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex was a little like this, a very emotional man and would cry because someone was nasty to him. He would like to look at our problems, but would make it sound like it was my fault. He loved to play mind games and manipulate the situation to suit himself. If things seemed to be going against him, he would then put the water works on and play the innocent victim.

4th type of abuser by Lundy Bancroft

The 4th type of Bancroft's abusers.


The Drill Sergeant

Yep, think of the traditional army drill sergeant, the one who keeps you under control otherwise you will end up doing things wrong. Even going in the bath you need his permission. He will also be very critical of your clothing.

He knows how everything should be done and you cannot question him. He knows how the toilet has to be cleaned; he knows how to cook the meat.

You are not allowed to have anyone else in your life, no friends, no family. He is all you need. This is a tactical approach to isolate the abused. He will even listen into phone calls to make sure his demands are adhered too.

He will watch you even in your sleep so that you cannot develop your self-esteem, independence or knowledge about his abusive behaviour.

The strange aspect of this person is when he says that he loves you more than anything, yet you disgust him! (I still cannot get my head round this statement from a personal point of view.)

Some comments he might make:

“You’re skirt is too short.”

“You can’t go out with your friends.”

“You have to be back home at 10 o’clock or else.”

“They pretend to be your friends but they are just using you.”

“I don’t like Amy, she is a slag and will lead you astray.”


Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My 1st ex at the end of our relationship wouldn't let me in to the bathroom without him coming in to see what I was doing. If I used the phone, he would stop what he was doing and listen to the conversation too.

My 2nd ex, tried to isolate me, by stopping friendships and trying to stop communication with my mother.

The 3rd type of Bancroft's abusers.

Egypt; 35% of women are beaten by husbands.

42% of women in Fiji get beaten by husbands/partners when pregnant.

In Zambia 5 women a week are murdered by a male partner or family member.

Domestic Violence accounts for ¼ of all violent crime in the UK.

The 3rd type of Bancroft's abusers.
(3rd out of 10, Categories of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft)

The Water Torturer – (more psychological abuse)

These are what the abusive man thinks!


Guess what – the woman is the crazy one, the one who flies off the handle over nothing! He will be quiet and have a nasty grin on his face as he makes out that you’re the one with the problem. He will be sarcastic, mimic your voice, make nasty comments about you.

The abuser can get you to believe that he can influence other people in believing you are crazy. After all you are the one who shouts, he doesn’t! But the words that are spoken are abusive!

If the abuser stays calm, doesn’t shout etc, how can you call him an abuser? He hasn’t done anything wrong! It doesn’t matter that I tell you that you are ugly, evil, a bitch and you’re not worth anything – it’s not abuse!

I know how to press your buttons to wind you up to breaking point and I will do it when I like!


Common statements he might make:

“See you’re the one who can’t control your temper!”

“It’s for your own good.”

"You are ugly and a bitch."

This type of abuser is very deceptive and it can a long time for the woman to recognise it and even longer to break away and then even longer to recover!


My 1st husband wasn't like this in the end as he couldn't control his temper. However in the beginning he would discredit me in sly ways and he destroyed all my confidence and self esteem. I put weight on and wouldn't go out, I was afraid of a 'scene' when we went out. I believed as I still do that I am fat and ugly and that no one will ever love me. This has gone on for 20 years, now I am taking action and trying to reverse the damage he did to me.

My 2nd husband at the end of our relationship told me "Who will want you?"
It still hurts.

1st and 2nd Types of Bancroft's Abusers

Nearly 2.2 million people called a domestic violence crisis hotline in 2004 in Oregon US.

In Bangladesh 50% of all murders are of women by their partners.

In Kenya 1 woman a week is killed by a male partner.

1st and 2nd of the 10 Categories of Abusive Men as per Lundy Bancroft

The Demand Man

These are what the abusive man thinks!

At first glance this seems quite obvious, the man who demands everything from his partner. The dinner has to be on the table when he returns from home, if it isn’t, all hell is let lose. The other look at this type of man, is where he actually blames you (the woman) for everything that goes wrong. He drops a mug which shatters. He immediately roars at you: “What you do that for? You’re a stupid ****”. Sound familiar? He cuts himself shaving, guess what, it’s your fault you made him do it, even though you were on the way taking the kids to school.

You cannot ask him to do anything, not even to empty the trash can. If by a miracle he chooses to do something you have to be grateful for ever after.

Do you think you can criticise him? No way, he is way above that. He is perfect.

The final look is when you are always being reminded that you are very lucky – the luckiest person on earth that you have him. After all he is the most loving and caring man anyone could ever wish for. Really? No chance, the best thing that could happen is for you to leave. No man who abuses their partner really loves them. They may say they do, but how can it be true?

Common statements he might make:

 “All you care about is yourself!”

“Twenty years ago, I cleaned the sink for you, when you were sick.”

“My misses is so ungrateful for everything I do for her, she’s really selfish.”

“You’re needy and controlling...”

“All you want is my money.”

 

Mr Right

Ahh, the perfect specimen of man! Mr Right can never be faulted on anything. He is supposedly very intelligent and you have to look up to him and praise him at every turn. He also apparently knows what is best for you.

As a woman you are worthless, your opinions do not count, so why should he listen to you?

When you disagree with Mr Right, you are in the wrong because you are stupid and thick.

As long as you agree with me, you’re life will that much better. Disagree and what will happen? Beating, verbal abuse....

When you don’t agree with the man, you are also being very disrespectful towards me.

I have to keep putting you down, so that you will learn that I am right.

Some comments Mr Right will make:

“I am always right, I know everything!”


“Don’t back answer me, that’s showing disrespect to me.”


“You are always coming up with stupid ideas.”

Please note this is how an abuser thinks, it does not in any way mean that it is the right way to think or behave. Here I have tried to give you examples so that you can recognise the types of abuse that goes on. You might find that the abuser actually has traits from both Mr Right and Demand Man. This is not unusual. If you recognise these things, please get help, talk to a friend, a Domestic Violence Organisation. You can find them on the web, telephone books, or if you are totally stuck go to the police and they will point you in the right direction.

My next blog will look at some more categories that L Bancroft has recognised, so these two above are not the only two – there are 8 more to go!

Why Does He Do That?

‘Why Does He Do That?’

A book written by Lundy Bancroft, a fantastic look at abusers from the view of a counsellor in USA. Having worked as a counsellor, evaluator and investigator for over twenty years. Looking at over 2,000 cases (at least), Lundy is in a prime position to write this fantastic book. During his work he discovered that the abusers fell into different “classes”, some overlapping. He listens to both sides of each story and comes to his own conclusions. Being a male writer I was a little suspect at how honest the work would be, but I need not have to worry. Lundy has a no nonsense approach and says it as he sees it. Often the abuser is brought down with a big bang and he makes no apologies for it.

He believes that abusers do know what they are doing and provides a number of examples to prove his point.

He also believes that a man can not love a woman and subject her to abuse (and vice versa). Again examples are given to prove the point.

Further he believes that an abuser can change, with assistance and their own pure determination. It surprised me that Lundy says that an abuser needs at least 2 years of counselling!! Even then it might not work; it is totally dependent on the abuser. Shockingly in the UK, there is a programme for abusers run by the Probation Service (called IDAP) and this only lasts for 10 weeks. What chance have we got in the UK?

The categories that Lundy has discovered are:

- The Demand Man

- Mr Right
- The Water Torturer
- The Drill Sergeant
- Mr Sensitive
- The Player
- Rambo
- The Victim
- The Terrorist
- The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser

Please note though:

‘Mental illness doesn’t cause abusiveness any more than alcohol does.’ P.39 Lundy Bancroft

Mental illness is only used by abusers as an excuse, so don’t get into the same trap I did!

I will look closer at each category to help you understand them more easily and help you recognise qualities that are not desirable.

What can be done?

One incident of domestic violence is reported to the police every minute.

On average, 2 women a week are killed by a current or former male partner.

These statistics are not nice to read, it could be one of your friends, family member, someone you know personally. So what can we do to try and turn things around?

Firstly to acknowledge it, secondly get professional help. There are a number of resources out there to help with domestic violence. There are the Women's Aid organisation, with many local branches throughout the UK, Rape Crisis, Refuge, Victim Support, the police are setting up Domestic Units who can provide help too, as well as local councils and social services.

Some women cannot acknowledge they are in an abusive relationship, so just be there to support them - drop hints, but do not force the issue as you could lose your friendship. Wait until they are ready to start talking about it, and be ready with information and places to go. Remember too, all information must stay confidential, if the abuser gets wind of what is going on, the abuse will escalate.

Some national help lines include:
England Helpline:    0808 2000 247

Wales helpline:       0808 80 10 800
Northern Ireland helpline:      0800 917 1414

All calls are confidential.

You can even look up information on the internet like:

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
http://twitter.com/PixelProject

If however a child is at risk, please act immediately, no child deserves to suffer.

'Living with the Dominator'

'Living with the Dominator' by Pat Craven is a fantastic book for anyone who wants to understand about domestic violence. It is full of illustrations and helps us to laugh as well as to cry.

Pat identified 8 different types of abusers and they do overlap. They are:

1 The Sexual Controller

2 King of the Castle

3 The Bad father

4 The Liar

5 The Persuader

6 The Headworker

7 The Jailer

8 The Bully

I would advise anyone to buy this book and there are refreshing looks at what an ideal partner should be like and stories to illustrate the points made.

The book is available from Amazon http://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1284819787&sr=1-1

Pat is a very professional approachable lady and I owe her alot of thanks for all the work she has done. Her webpage is well worth a visit:
   http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Statistics that are shocking

Did you know that 1 in 5 women report being sexually abused as children?

It would be interesting to find out the statistics for males too, as we mustn't forget abuse does affect men too! Don't forget the adults might be abusing each other, but a child even witnessing it is also being abused. A child does not have to wear a black eye like this child; they will have emotional issues to deal with too. It's hard to see your parents beating each other, screaming at each other... STOP and think about them....

Every 2 minutes somewhere in America someone is sexually assaulted.

Domestic abuse/violence is a major problem throughout the world and it needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later. The UK is not as forward thinking like the USA and publishing books of personal experiences of domestic violence is rather neglected here in the UK. People who do write their stories end up having to self publish and of course the market is not as easily accessible as when publishers are used. I believe this problem is stemmed in the UK's upper lip syndrome and keeping things behind closed doors. The UK does have domestic violence and it is as prevalent as in the USA and Afghanistan, please publishers start pulling your fingers out and help the people who need it most.

In no country in the world are women safe from this type of violence. Out of ten counties surveyed in a 2005 study by the World Health Organization (WHO), more than 50 percent of women in Bangladesh, Ethiopia, Peru and Tanzania reported having been subjected to physical or sexual violence by intimate partners, with figures reaching staggering 71 percent in rural Ethiopia. Only in one country (Japan) did less than 20 percent of women report incidents of domestic violence. http://www.unifem.org/gender_issues/violence_against_women/facts_figures.php?page=2

Finally: If you live in Ireland and need help the NATIONAL FREEPHONE HELPLINE is 1800 341 900

Please spread this news and help too.

"Whose Face is in the Mirror?"

2,000 women are raped every week in the UK.

75% of all rape survivors know their attackers.

80% of all rapes occur in the home.

9 in 10 rape survivors are female.

'Whose Face is in the mirror?'

I have just read this book, written by Diane Schwartz. It was a compelling read, telling of the abuse she experienced and the process of breaking away from it. She also tells of her family background which has influenced her beliefs and how she changes it all to become a champion helper to other abusees. What is also incredible is the fact this lady used to be a model, so had confidence in her looks - or so you are led to believe. A fantastic read and one I would recommend to anyone who wants to learn about domestic violence and ways of escaping it.

If you are in the UK and need help escaping domestic violence, call the 24-hr helpline at 0808 2000 247.

Boys who witness their fathers' violence are 10 times more likely to engage in spouse abuse in later adulthood. (Domestic Violence Pixel Project Team - Twitter)

If you know anyone in an abusive relationship, be gentle and supportive and get professional advice from a group like Women's Aid. There are a number of webpages that can provide further contact details and I will start adding them on here for easy reference.

Domestic Violence questionnaire

I've set up a questionnaire for Domestic Violence, please go along and answer it. It will help to create a feeling about Domestic violence patterns and help me with writing my book. Further could you spread the word and get as many people to complete it too?

Go to:   www.surveymonkey.com/s/FQ9N9X5

thank you